For The Weirdos

When I was 18, I tried to go away to MSU for college.

It took me not even a whole semester of solo cafeteria meals and failed attempts at light conversation to figure out that I was maybe not cut out for a university where I was one of ~50,000 strangers — at least not if I was required to live in a dorm until my junior year. 

Genuinely, and despite my winning personality, I did not make a single friend that first semester. 

So, as one does, I called my then-boyfriend’s mom to come and pick me up. Every single weekend. Until I eventually moved back in to their basement and transferred to a nearby commuter college. 

At 19, I remember crying to my ex’s mom (that saint of a woman) that I didn’t feel normal. This was before we were supposed to go meet another couple for dinner. Literally the nicest, churchiest people you could ever imagine, and yet the thought of interacting with them scared me shitless.  

I just wanted to hide in that basement. Some days, I still want to hide in that basement, except that would be weird.

Anyway, now I’m 25, and I still struggle to hold a conversation with anyone who isn’t my super sexy fiancé or my magical 8-month old. Like, I probably could do it, but it would take a lot of energy and feel really overwhelming for me. (Do I sound like a pussy? Wait, don’t tell me.)

It took me a long time to realize the goal is not to metamorphosize into a social butterly — it’s to learn how to exist as yourself. Even if that self avoids crowds at all costs and prefers writing to speaking. 

Maybe the real work is building a life that makes room for that kind of person, instead of trying to change her into someone else. 

I’m not writing this because I’ve figured out literally anything, ever. I’m writing it because it would be cool if it reached just one person with social anxiety/introversion/undiagnosed autism/shyness/misanthropy/avoidant personality disorder/whatever who feels confused and different and alone. I hope you know this one truth:

The way you are is okay. 

Even if it doesn’t win over the masses.